we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
