Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Are we still banned from the library?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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