My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Oh god it's open bar.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
