My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We are two peas in an std pod
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
