I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
