Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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