I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
