I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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