I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
