weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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