I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
All I want is dick and wine.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
