I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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