hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
These tits shall not be calmed
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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