I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
