Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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