is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
