I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
