i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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