Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
