I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
