sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
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