im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
