Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
