morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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