I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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