mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
