it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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