my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
