i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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