I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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