i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
