So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
