we made out on top of his cat.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
third nipple confirmed
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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