bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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