One girl and one boy is just not enough.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
