i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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