Your face is a jimmy john
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
