Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
