I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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