i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
