so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
