weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I need to align my fucking chakras
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