it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
