Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
