Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
