mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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