yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
