I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
