Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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