If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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