I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
