When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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